Random Animals Blog

Facially challenged

Bats aren’t really anybody’s favourite pets, but this one is on a one-bat mission to ruin bat-human relations for all eternity. It’s all down to the fact that this bat clearly recognises how fond we are of cuteness when it comes to animals, before flying right in the face of our aesthetics.

Talking of faces – the Kerivoula Kachinensis’s primary weapon is its unholy phizog. Imagine a cat’s arse with vamp fangs and you’ve basically got the picture. Leathery skin wings come as standard, as with most bats, and the look is topped off by a furry body worthy of the biggest and foulest moth in the rainforest.

God's earlier attempts had a few design issues.

If you’ve ever wondered what the illegitimate lovechild of a feather duster and a coke bottle would look like then the pink fairy armadillo is only too happy to provide you with an answer.

This gorgeous little rodent gives Tinkerbell a run for her money as the prettiest and most precocious of the fairies out there, thanks in part to its vaguely pinkish colour, which scientists reckon is permanent but which I think is probably just the blush it raises when praised for its cuteness.

Anyway, enough of that. What I meant to say is that this member of the armadillo family is no more acceptable than the rest of them. To be honest, it’s nothing short of an aberration, with its bat face, splintery feet and ridiculous coat of armour.

Fortunately, the pink fairy is known for being able to hide itself in seconds when threatened. So much the better for all of us.

Or is it… well… I don’t know really. It doesn’t look much like anything – least of all a head.

Even a hammerhead shark pays lip service to head design convention by having a mouth and fairly easily identifiable eyes. Consider as well that the hammerhead shark is an animal that takes its name from its unusual head. That is literally its defining characteristic and it still has a more sensible head than the mata mata turtle.

The mata mata turtle hangs out in stagnant pools, which is nice. It pretends that it’s a pile of leaves while it’s in there through judicious use of its skin flaps. When a fish or something swims nearby, it opens its massive mouth, creating a vacuum and sucking everything up.

Living the dream.

If you were in a glam rock chicken band during the Seventies, you might have looked like this. Or maybe if you were going to some homosexual nightclub for poultry, this might be the garb you’d select. Otherwise, this is entirely inappropriate dress.

Imagine being on the farm in this fluffy white outfit. With all the mud and the shit, you’d look a right state in no time.

But not content with looking like the gayest chicken in all the world, the silkie has hidden weirdness as well. It has dark blue flesh and bones and blue earlobes.

What kind of a chicken has earlobes anyway, never mind blue ones?

Hey, er, you’re going to get to meet my new girlfriend tonight. She should be here in a bit.

Is she hot? Er, well, yeah… She’s warm-blooded anyway.

What does she look like? She’s got quite small eyes. I mean really, really, very small eyes. No, not like piggy eyes – much smaller than that. Minuscule pinpricks really. That’s offset by her nose though, which is a bit bigger than most people’s. It’s sort of long and tubular. Very striking.

Her hair is kind of… Well, imagine a lesbian with spiky bleached blonde hair and then imagine she’s got alopecia, so the hair’s really sparse.

What do you reckon? Do you think she sounds nice?

Did I mention that her nose is also her mouth?