Gutsy performance...

However, starfish are not as squeaky clean as you might think. In fact, they can be pretty brutal when they get a bit peckish.

Since they’re covered in suckers on the underside of their limbs they can actually get hold of a clam or other beshelled beastie, grip its crusty casing and pop the fucker open! Not bad for a show of brute strength. I struggle with a knife and fork.

Of course, entry is only half the job (ahem). The starfish doesn’t exactly have a spare hand to get at the meaty bits inside the shell so it pops the old stomach out of its body and into the shell, scoops up the meat in its mess of digestive horrors and yanks the whole affair back inside. Pure satisfaction.

I suppose if the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain, so full marks for resourcefulness, you despicable starry glutton!

Or maybe these trout didn’t meet their crispy end at the hands of humans. What if they are, in fact, female brown trout and the explanation for their current predicament is the shocking result of their vaguely dishonest behaviour in the sack. What if…

You see, female brown trout are fakers. They are nature’s prick teasers, convincing the naïve male trout in their environs that they’re hitting the spot when they couldn’t be further from it. Yes, female brown trout fake orgasms so that their chaps peak too early and they escape without any further harassment.

Apparently some male trout feel aggrieved in light of this new information. The one with the oven gloves and the Gary Rhodes hairdo certainly looks suspicious.

(I know what you’re thinking though: fish are orgasmic now?)

It’s called the snakefish.

The snakefish is something of a modern Medusa – some sort of hellish aberration that permanently scars all those that set eyes on it (hence the inclusion of a picture). It lives in your bath, basking in foamy Radox waiting to strike as you enter. That may or may not be true. It’s the doubt I can’t stand.

Fortunately, some clever boffins in the Orient have found a way to help rid us of this slippery demon. They just gobble them up for their tea.

This fish spends its days swanning around on the ocean floor like a hideous toddler that’s been in its mum’s make-up drawer. They like the dark and the don’t have many friends, partly because they like to eat them.

Apparently the only suggestion anyone has had for those ridiculous clown lips is that the fish can recognise their own kind when it comes to mating. Lovely.

It’s also the only creature that has a skull, but no spine.

Ever the socialite, this fish also likes to secrete a slimy gloop when it feels threatened and can tie itself in knots as a neat party trick.

Some species of hagfish even sport a testicle and an ovary, which is fortunate because something tells me they have a little trouble pulling.

There are a lot of weird looking animals and the deep seas have got more than their fair share of them. Nevertheless, the beautifully-monikered blobfish must be a challenger for the title of “world’s ugliest bastard”.

How has the blobfish survived? If you looked like the blobfish, you wouldn’t mate. If that’s what its face looks like, imagine its genitals.

Nothing about this fish is glamorous. It is gelatinous and slightly less dense than water, which it helps it bob about without actually swimming properly. It doesn’t really have any muscle and just swallows anything edible which happens to drift by.

That’s not living.