Er, you've got a little on your chin.

Unsatisfied with the effect of this deeply unpleasant menu, the turkey vulture actually wants you to abhor it even more ardently.

When threatened by a predator (and this is a rare occurrence given that most starving creatures would balk at chewing a vulture, much as you and I would balk at toe-sucking a leper), the turkey vulture will vomit whatever grotesqueries are lining its stomach right at the aggressor’s feet.

And the worst part? The putrid pool acts as a hellish olive branch which the predator dutifully gobbles up as the turkey vulture makes its merry way unscathed.

Away, turkey demon! My skin doth crawl.

If you were in a glam rock chicken band during the Seventies, you might have looked like this. Or maybe if you were going to some homosexual nightclub for poultry, this might be the garb you’d select. Otherwise, this is entirely inappropriate dress.

Imagine being on the farm in this fluffy white outfit. With all the mud and the shit, you’d look a right state in no time.

But not content with looking like the gayest chicken in all the world, the silkie has hidden weirdness as well. It has dark blue flesh and bones and blue earlobes.

What kind of a chicken has earlobes anyway, never mind blue ones?

Worst. Bird. Ever.

New Zealand is known for having been home to a number of animals which have really lacked reslience. The dodo is the most famous, but the kakapo is similar.

Like the dodo, it is a flightless bird, and having evolved in New Zealand where it has not had any predators until recently, it also has pretty much no way of protecting itself from anything. Obviously, it is endangered.

The kakapo’s one special skill is that the male makes ‘booming’ sounds when he wants to have all of the sex with a lithe woman kakapo. He does this for eight hours and then he makes a shrill ‘ching’ sound and apparently this is enough to win a girl’s heart.

Having attracted a woman kakapo, the bloke approaches her backwards. No idea why.

Well, it was either a man saying your name and laughing before starting a chainsaw or it was a lyrebird mimicking the sound of a man saying your name and laughing before starting a chainsaw. Lyrebirds are known for their extraordinary ability to replicate sounds that they hear.

As well as mimicking other birds, lyrebirds can mimic human speech, machinery and even explosions. Staggeringly, they can also play two tunes at the same time. They really are pretty incredible.

The bad news is that if a lyrebird was mimicking a man saying your name and laughing before starting a chainsaw, then it must have heard it somewhere…

It fucking is. That’s one above. It’s more penguin than macaroni, I’m not going to lie, but the name is genuine.

Apparently the name doesn’t come from the form of pasta. It was given to the penguin by kindly sailors in the 19th centurty who thought that it’s stupid yellow bits looked like some particular fashion of the day. That style was known as Maccaronism.

Macaroni penguins make trumpeting noises and eat krill. That’s not much different to other penguins, but I feel like I need to flesh this page out a bit. Also, chicks eat some of their own yolk shortly after they’re born. Nice.

Yes, it is. Honestly. It’s one of those Australian animals that you feel like you would have heard about if it had lived in Africa, but which is afforded a low profile through living in a barren land inhabited by sexists in vests.

They can grow to be 2m tall, can jump 1.5m into the air and they can’t fly. They have a big dagger claw in the middle of each foot and they use them to kick the shit out of people.

If you want to eat one, it is apparently quite tough. Aussie advice is to cook it with a stone in the pot.

“When the stone is ready to eat, so is the Cassowary.”