This is a type of salamander. Would you say it was lacking something?

If you think it lacks arms and legs, you’d be right, but that isn’t its main deficiency. This particular salamander has omitted to grow something else that most of us find rather important.

This is the lungless salamander and that is not just a name. Instead of developing lungs like any sensible creature, our friend here has instead taken the lazy option.

“I don’t want lungs,” it has said. “I’m going to breathe through my skin.”

What a ridiculous decision and the joke’s on him, because he has to keep his skin moist at all times just so that he can breathe.

Idiot.

Or is it… well… I don’t know really. It doesn’t look much like anything – least of all a head.

Even a hammerhead shark pays lip service to head design convention by having a mouth and fairly easily identifiable eyes. Consider as well that the hammerhead shark is an animal that takes its name from its unusual head. That is literally its defining characteristic and it still has a more sensible head than the mata mata turtle.

The mata mata turtle hangs out in stagnant pools, which is nice. It pretends that it’s a pile of leaves while it’s in there through judicious use of its skin flaps. When a fish or something swims nearby, it opens its massive mouth, creating a vacuum and sucking everything up.

Living the dream.

Awww. You’re cute. Look at your tiny little eyes and your sweet little nose. But why are you wearing a baseball cap?

Come on; take it off….oh god! No! What the hell are those massive flaps poking out from the side of your head?!?!…

That’s how I imagine my first meeting with a Jerboa; or a Long-eared Jerboa to give it its full name, would go. If only I’d known its full name before – I wouldn’t have been so shocked about the whole massive ear thing.

This little rodent roams around the deserts of Mongolia and China and as well as those ridiculously massive ears, this creature also boasts really long hind legs that it uses for jumping.

The ‘Mickey Mouse of the Desert’ as it has affectionately been nicknamed, is an endangered animal and it wasn’t caught on film until December 2007.

It was probably worried about the repercussions of exposing those huge flappers to the world on national TV. But then, Gary Lineker seems to have done alright.

mmm. Yes please.

I do not, however, like Seapigs.

I literally don’t even know where to begin with this creature, which apparently is a type of sea cucumber. Don’t question why, where or how; it just is alright?

The only reasonable explanation is that God had finished making all the animals and he just had some tubes and some flabby, jelly crap left over. Rather than tipping it all in the bin along with his Christmas card to Eve (he was well annoyed about that apple incident), he decided to make it into a Seapig. Maybe his bin was full or something and the bin men were refusing to take it. He’s resourceful at least. I’ll give him that.

Seapigs live at the very bottom of the sea. It’s almost as if they’re ashamed to be seen. And you will never see these squidgy freaks out on their own. Oh no. They hang around in massive groups. Wimps.

Careful. You might tire yourself out

Seriously. What is the point?

Well; turns out, there isn’t much of one actually. Because the Giant Soft-Shelled Turtle spends most of its time buried, lying completely still with only its nose and mouth sticking out of the sand.

Brilliant.

Their existence is so pathetic that I actually can’t be bothered to talk about it. Needless to say, this pitiable animal is endangered. How shocking, seeing as though it’s clearly put up such a fight to live.

Oh wait – here’s an interesting fact! – It surfaces twice a day to take a breath.

Oh. Sorry; turns out I was wrong.

Stop that right now

‘Ooh, look at this frill necked dress. I might try it on.’

That is a sentence that I am happy to hear the words ‘frill necked’ in. I’m not so happy about ‘frill necked lizard’.

Guess where this animal got its name? Go on, I bet you can’t. Because of its frilly neck you say? Well; yeah. That’s about the long and short of it actually.

Normally, the lizard’s neck frill is folded back neatly against his head and neck – instantly demoting it to just a lizard really.

But when the frill necked lizard is frightened, the frill flares out and the lizard opens his mouth wide to show a bright pink or yellow lining. Again, happy when this is relating to a pretty garment. Not so happy when talking about some mental reptile.

The best thing about these little guys (and when I say ‘best’ I mean ‘worst’) is that they can grow up to a meter in length. And when they are really scared, these creatures start running and then get up onto their hind legs and go even faster.

Really? And this is ok with nature is it? I think not. Just hand me that frill necked dress and we’ll forget this ever happened.

Unsheathed: The happy couple cross swords...

Turbellarians are a strange bunch, even for a species of flatworm. What makes them slightly odder than their other flatworm cousins is the fact that they’re all hermaphrodites who use their penises (of which they have two) as swords when they mate.

In one of the most aggressive forms of mating I can recall, these horrible little beasts go about wielding their spermy lengths like maniacal Spartans trying to impale one another. Whoever makes the first successful stab ‘wins’ the right to be the male, while the one left licking its wounds becomes the female.

Being male is held to be an unparalleled victory among the flatworm fraternity, simply because a) men don’t have to look after the kids and b) men don’t have to live with the shame of such a barbaric insemination.

Nature, apparently, is the original sexist.

I think it's starting to kick in!

Oh wait. How embarrassing. I mixed up my holiday snaps with my Giant Leaf Tailed Gecko snaps. I hate it when that happens.

Funny how they chose the vaguely leafy tail as the chief characteristic of this particular Gecko. Why not the Giant Raspberry Ripple Eyed Gecko, or the Massive Gobbed Acid Trip Gecko? I despair of methods of nomenclature sometimes.

Apart from various international music festivals, you won’t find the Giant Leaf Tailed Gecko anywhere in the world except its native Madagascar, and if you do you should probably inform the authorities. It’s on a list for the top ten animals most threatened by illegal wildlife trade.

The only difference between a giant isopod and the fruit of an alien womb is that H.R. Giger had to delve deep into his disturbed psyche to come up with his evil space critters whereas the isopod is all too despicably real.

You can tell yourself that aliens don’t exist, but giant isopods are walking around among us as we speak, assuming your take your daily sojourn at the bottom of the sea around Australia, India and Mexico.

Why Dumbo? No other reason than that biologists think it looks like the big eared Disney elephant, apparently.

Not a lot more to offer in terms of details, since this fellow lives four kilometres under the surface. It’s only real feature is that it blushes sometimes. Probably because it’s pissed off its head on champagne at the circus, hallucinating about pink elephants.