Random Animals Blog

The brown antechinus is responsible for bringing some serious love into the animal kingdom. Its male population is so libidinously fixated that it effectively submits itself to death-by-orgy to engage in a kamikaze fuckfest throughout the mating season.

This marsupial is capable of screwing a single partner for up to 12 hours straight, so he’s quite the Don Juan, although fidelity isn’t part of his limited vocabulary. He’s straight onto the next partner as soon as he’s finished and it goes on like that until his body gives in.

You see, the brown antechinus likes getting down and dirty so much that he doesn’t eat or sleep or wash or anything else and eventually his immune system completely shuts down. A high price to pay for one hell of a fortnight, but, one has to admit, not the worst way to go.

Observe the brown trout in its natural habitat, bottom-feeding in tandem on herbs and shallots. Only joking! This is a pair of brown trout that have been brutalised by human handiwork!

Or maybe these trout didn’t meet their crispy end at the hands of humans. What if they are, in fact, female brown trout and the explanation for their current predicament is the shocking result of their vaguely dishonest behaviour in the sack. What if…

You see, female brown trout are fakers. They are nature’s prick teasers, convincing the naïve male trout in their environs that they’re hitting the spot when they couldn’t be further from it. Yes, female brown trout fake orgasms so that their chaps peak too early and they escape without any further harassment.

Apparently some male trout feel aggrieved in light of this new information. The one with the oven gloves and the Gary Rhodes hairdo certainly looks suspicious.

(I know what you’re thinking though: fish are orgasmic now?)

The ichneumon wasp is a deeply unpleasant character. Deeply, deeply unpleasant.

No-one likes wasps. No-one sees the point in them. But after reading what follows, this particular wasp will slump even further in your estimation.

The ichneumon injects its eggs into a victim, which is usually a caterpillar. It then paralyses the caterpillar and slowly eats it alive.

Is that bad enough for you to hate the ichneumon wasp? No? How about the fact that it eats all the fat and the digestive system first so that the caterpillar doesn’t die, saving the heart and all the bits it needs to stay alive until last?

What a cad.

This is a type of salamander. Would you say it was lacking something?

If you think it lacks arms and legs, you’d be right, but that isn’t its main deficiency. This particular salamander has omitted to grow something else that most of us find rather important.

This is the lungless salamander and that is not just a name. Instead of developing lungs like any sensible creature, our friend here has instead taken the lazy option.

“I don’t want lungs,” it has said. “I’m going to breathe through my skin.”

What a ridiculous decision and the joke’s on him, because he has to keep his skin moist at all times just so that he can breathe.

Idiot.

Well, he might look like a member of The Kinks and he might be one of the biggest-selling artistes in the jungles of South America, but he just couldn’t make it in the UK.

It’s been argued that his lack of success in the English-speaking world is chiefly a question of image: the main problem being that his bum and his face are pretty similar in appearance. Of course, that never stopped Elton, so maybe the white-faced saki just needs to persevere.

Maybe it’s just that he’s too unoriginal – I mean, the saki’s not even endangered. Who can be bothered to listen to music that hasn’t got a political or environmental agenda? That’s why this year’s Glasto is headlined by revered preacher men Bono and Coldplay.

Praise the Lord! Kill me now.